Nicknames are glorious things, a real sign of camaraderie. When you start a new job or meet new people, there is no surer sign that you’re ‘one of the guys’ than when you get a nickname.
Your last name is Griffiths? I like you, so I’ll call you Griffo.
You’re six-foot three? You’re awesome, so I’ll call you Shorty.
You spend two hours at the gym every single night? I’ll call you Fairy, because even though I like you, you also intimidate me and so I feel you need to be brought down a peg.
One day your name is John Smith; the next, it somehow becomes Sir Smiddyton. Sure, nicknames might not make sense; their origins could be so deep and intricate that you all forget exactly what those origins were. But if you have a nickname, then you know that someone out there thinks you’re a little bit fantastic.
Now, that’s not to say that if you don’t have a nickname, then you must suck. Heck, some people don’t even like nicknames.
…I am not one of those people.
I wanted a nickname. I can’t really say why; I just knew I wanted one. But I didn’t have one. I came close, certainly. For a while there, a mate called me “Sunshine” — my Mum was partial to a hippie lifestyle in her youth, and considered naming her future daughters Crystal and Sunshine; after sharing that story, the nickname stuck for a few months.
But then it was forgotten. A few others came and went, but I never had a nickname that became popular and well-known amongst all my friends. I was always “Jess”, plain and simple.
And during this lack of nicknameness, I had a lot of time to come up with my own names. Random? Yes. In fact, I’m sure most of these would actually get quite annoying over time. But you can’t blame me for getting creative.
So, without further ado, I present you with…
25 NICKNAMES I WISH PEOPLE WOULD CALL ME
- Tiny (makes me sound cute and puppy-like)
- Pencils
- Bookworm (because I have never believed this to be an insult)
- Bambi
- Kitty
- King Koopa (Bowser FTW!)
- Popcorn
- Sunshine (Yeah. Kinda miss that one)
- Watermelon
- Guacamole
- Chatterbox (it’s ironic, see, because I’m not)
- Iago (this is a running gag between a friend and me. Totally should have been nickname material. Also, Iago is cool.)
- Thirteen
- The Jesster
- Kimba
- Babe (as in the adorable pig who captured our hearts. But then I realised how it sounded, so, uh… Bit iffy on this one.)
- Piccola
- The Cockmeister (another one that came and went… Please don’t ask. Just don’t.)
- Matchbox
- Knick-knack
- Hawkstring (because when people train hawks, they tie strings to its foot to keep it attached their wrist, and those strings are called ‘jesses’… Get it? Huh?)
- Monster
- The Amazing Jess (I like this one, because my name is Jess, and, um… I’m kinda amazing.)
- Smudge
- Lord Voldemort/Voldie/Mrs Riddle (…Do I really need to explain these ones?)
So there you have it — Twenty-five nicknames that exist inside my strange, strange head. I’m not sure, but I might need to find something more substantial to occupy my time.
But you know what? Even though it’s a little bit long, Love The Bad Guy is a pretty sweet nickname. I have to say, I’m kind of attached to it. Guess that makes twenty-six…
- Love The Bad Guy
