If you’ve floated around my blog for long enough, you’ve probably gathered that I have a rather twisted, and often dark, sense of humour.
So it should come as no surprise to you that we’ve rolled around to this morbid posting about last words.
Have you ever thought about what your last words would be? Sure, sometimes there’s no oppurtunity; Death is an unkind and unpredictable master, who may strike when you least expect it. But if you found yourself quietly drifting away with seconds to spare, would you have the right words in mind to leave the world with?
Perhaps something sentimental — “I love you” and all that jazz — or important — “Don’t forget to feed the cat” — or soothing — “You’ll all be okay”.
These are all fine. But, perhaps… dull.
No, when I leave this world, I’d like to leave ‘em wondering, or laughing. Or perhaps just confuse the heck out of them.
I’m not the first to have thought this, clearly. After all, there are some brilliant examples of outside-the-box Last Words, intended and otherwise, several of which I’ve gathered below for your reading pleasure. Granted, we don’t know how many of these are genuine — but don’t you want to wish they were?
“I told them I was ill.” – Spike Milligan
“How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French fries’!” - James French (convicted killer, executed in electric chair)
“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” ..OR.. “Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.” - Oscar Wilde
“I think you’re right, Wyatt. I can’t see a Goddamn thing.” - Morgan Earp (spoken to his brother, who had never believed in life after death)
“Don’t worry. It’s not loaded.” - Terry Kath (killed moments later, when he demonstrated that the gun he was cleaning had no bullets. It did.)
“I can’t sleep.” - James M. Barrie (author of Peter Pan)
“Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.” - John Barrymore
“I’m bored with it all.” - Winston Churchill
“I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” - Richard Feynman
“This is no time to make new enemies.” - Voltaire (in response to a Priest asked him to renounce Satan)
So, how about it, readers? Have you any ideas for what your final words could be? Or do you know some other famous ones that inspire you?
As for me, I wouldn’t complain about kicking off with some classics. Like, “I forgive you…”, or “Listen! There’s something I need you to dig up. There’s a box under the…”, or “I hope no one finds those bodies.”
How about a dramatic glare into nothingness, with “So. It has come to this. I should’ve known it’d be you…”
Or a pathetically optimistic, “You know what? I actually don’t feel that ba–”
The possibilities are endless! It’d be a right shame if I died without the chance to say at least one of these. Perhaps I’ll just rattle them off in every life-threatening situation. Just in case.
And if I miss out, there’s always the tombstone. Maybe I’ll have mine read:
HERE LIES JESS
LOVED THE BAD GUY
Short. Sweet. Simple.
– Love The Bad Guy