Three months ago, the world didn’t end, and that’s a little bit fantastic.
But what if it had? What if the Apocalypse was right here, right now, and you needed to team up with a partner to try and survive the End?
Well, I felt like procrastinating from the work I should be doing, and instead created this:
A device to tell you how the world is ending, who you’ll face it with, and the outcome.
So without further ado, I ask…
Will You Survive the End of the World?
Step One: How Is The World Ending?
No one really knows, my dear friend, just quite how it all will end. So let’s find out! Look at a digital clock, and take note of whether the hour and minute numbers are even or odd at this exact moment.
- Even:Even = Zombie Apocalypse
(Maybe it was a cancer cure gone wrong. Maybe it was a disease maliciously spread. All you know for certain is that mindless, walking dead now walk the earth, and they hunger for your brain.)
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- Even:Odd = Alien Invasion
(They said they came in peace. They lied. Earth was ravaged by this blood-thirsty, dominating species of extra-terrestrial beasts, and they won’t rest until all humans are exterminated.)
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- Odd:Even = Nuclear Warfare
(War is a complicated thing. One country sends a nuke at another, and suddenly explosions are rife all over the world. Foolishly, humanity is headed for its own demise.)
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- Odd:Odd = Natural Disasters
(Erupting volcanoes, devastating earthquakes and annihilating tidal waves have combined in a horrific scene. Mother Earth has turned on humanity, and few have survived the onslaught.)
Step Two: Who Is Your Partner?
Lucky you! You found a fellow survivor in the devastation and the two of you have teamed up. Use the date of your birth (that is, the day of the month on which you were born) to identify your End-of-the-World-Partner.
- Captain Hook (from Peter Pan)
- Harry Potter (from Harry Potter)
- Bowser (from Super Mario Land)
- Katniss Everdeen (from The Hunger Games)
- Edward Cullen (from Twilight)
- The Great Eagle (from Lord of the Rings)
- Hermione Granger (from Harry Potter)
- Christian Grey (from Fifty Shades of Grey)
- The Slender Man (from Slender)
- Lady Havisham (from Great Expectations)
- Iago (from Othello)
- Isabella Swan (from Twilight)
- Lord Voldemort (from Harry Potter)
- The Doctor (from Doctor Who)
- Loki Laufeyson (from Thor)
- The Mad Hatter (from Alice in Wonderland)
- Elizabeth Bennet (from Pride and Prejudice)
- Albus Dumbledore (from Harry Potter)
- Prince Hamlet (from Hamlet)
- Toothless (from How To Train Your Dragon)
- Sir Lancelot (from Arthurian Legend)
- Gollum (from Lord of the Rings)
- Inigo Montoya (from The Princess Bride)
- Sherlock Holmes (from Sherlock Holmes)
- Bellatrix Lestrange (from Harry Potter)
- Thor Odinson (from Thor)
- Bilbo Baggins (from Lord of the Rings)
- Aslan (from The Chronicles of Narnia)
- Romeo Montague (from Romeo and Juliet)
- Gandalf (from Lord of the Rings)
- Mr Darcy (from Pride and Prejudice)
Step Three: What Is The Outcome?
Do you and your partner overcome all the odds? Or do you crumble with the rest of humanity? Use your birth month to find out.
January:
It quickly becomes clear to you that your partner would prefer to go it alone. Your relationship becomes strained, until you awaken one morning to find yourself alone. You refuse to let this bring you down; you continue the good fight independently. Years later, as a hardened survivor, you hear word that your partner was killed mere weeks after they left. Guess they should have stuck with you…
February:
Your partner is open and friendly, immediately taking you under their wing during these horrific times. With them, you feel completely safe; however, you are concerned by their willingness to help other survivors. The two of you are often low on supplies due to your partner’s generosity. When you encounter a lone man in your travels, your partner offers their usual assistance. The man is suspicious of this kindness and blindly attacks. Your partner dies in your arms.
March:
The two of you fall quickly into a routine. Eat, sleep, travel and survive — neither of you care for much more. But perhaps you should’ve taken the time to learn more about your partner… Turns out, they resort to unorthodox methods of survival: namely, picking up lone survivors such as yourself, gaining their trust, then selling them to the highest bidder. Hope you enjoy your new life as a slave.
April:
Never allow anyone to get too close — that’s your motto, and you’re sticking to it. Nonetheless, you enjoy your partner’s companionship and are glad for their help in the midst of the devastation. However, over time, you come to realise that your partner’s feelings may not be entirely platonic. Love has no place in an Apocalypse and so, guiltily, you decide to go off on your own. You’re not sure what happened to your teammate, though you do often get the sensation of being followed…
May:
The end of the world is terrifying, and you have no clue what to do. When you team up with your partner, you rely heavily on them. Suppose it’s not surprising that they grew weary of your clingyness. They tell you they’re going to find food; they say they’ll be back soon. Six days later, you finally accept that they’re not coming back. Devastated at this betrayal, you stubbornly try to follow them, but wind up getting yourself killed. Maybe you should have paid more attention to survival techniques.
June:
It was a relationship of convenience, a means to an end, but as time went on, the two of you grew close. You are in tune with each other, and your friendship has become legendary amongst the few surviving groups that you’ve encountered. Who could have guessed that the years spent surviving an Apocalypse would be the happiest of your life? Together with your partner, you have faced, and will continue to overcome, any and all challenges presented to you. End of the world? Bring. It. ON.
July:
You first meet your partner as a starving figure, nearly dead. You come to their aid, and they begin to follow you. You pity them and try to tolerate their presence. But in truth, they are more of a hindrance than a help, and you suspect that they’ll be the end of you. You shake them off your tail and try to resume your solitary life, yet you are filled with remorse and decide to return for them… They’re nowhere to be found. You never hear from them again, and pray that they’re still alive.
August:
Sometimes it feels like you and your partner are alone in the world. Naturally, you feel a close connection, and so when you encounter another survivor – and when your partner seems to develop feelings for this survivor — you are understandable miffed. It was supposed to be the two of you against the world, but you suddenly feel like the third wheel. Feeling stubborn and hurt, you leave the two love-birds behind. You’re sure you won’t survive long… But you can’t bring yourself to care.
September:
Your partner’s survival skills leave something to be desired… But then, so do yours. You each flounder hopelessly through the barren land, trying to connect with other survivors, but ultimately always being abandoned. As a result of your mutual helplessness, the two of you bond, and agree never to leave the other behind. This is a promise kept till the end; your food runs out, no shelter can be found, and you quietly pass away. Your partner follows you not an hour later.
October:
Your partner is the embodiment of “strong and silent”, and you are never really sure what they’re thinking. However, they are a capable companion during these hard times, and you’re grateful for their presence, even if they aren’t for yours. However, it seems your partner was more fond of you than you realised. When the two of you are unexpectedly attacked, your partner pushes you behind them and savagely attacks. They are dealt a killing blow and die for your survival.
November:
When you first team up, your partner explains they’ve heard of a large survivors’ group being formed up North. It’s a long journey, but you agree to take the chance, and head off. Unfortunately, a few days into your travels, you tumble down a cliff-face and are greatly injured. Your partner refuses to leave you behind; they determinedly carry you the rest of the way. You do indeed find the Survivors’ Camp, but you pass away in your partner’s arms moments later.
December:
Though you are both initially hesitant to rely on anyone but yourselves, you soon break through each other’s defences, and a strong friendship is formed. You are thick as thieves, surviving aptly and travelling admist various groups. You never stay with other people for long though, as you prefer each other’s company. You enjoy several years of this strange contentment, but are then overwhelmed by an unexpected attack. United till the end, you and your partner fall together.
So, how do you fare when the world comes to an end? Share your tale in the comments!
And I hope you enjoyed this little journey. If you didn’t, well… This was a really poor use of my time, huh? Procrastination, you demon, release me from your ruthless claws!
- Love The Bad Guy
