Stuff No One Told Us (So I’ll Share It With You)

University is keeping me pretty busy at the moment (What a bully…), and so I’ve not had much time to write posts. Thus, I come to you with stolen awesomeness from someone else.

The blog Stuff No One Told Me contains many brilliant comics and cartoons by Alex Noriega, who shares his interpretations and realisations about the world in hilarious (and often deep) ways.

I highly recommend you head over to his blog and check out his work.

But for now, please enjoy some of my personal favourite pictures from his collection.

- Love The Bad Guy

Will You Survive the End of the World?

Three months ago, the world didn’t end, and that’s a little bit fantastic.

But what if it had? What if the Apocalypse was right here, right now, and you needed to team up with a partner to try and survive the End?

Well, I felt like procrastinating from the work I should be doing, and instead created this:

A device to tell you how the world is ending, who you’ll face it with, and the outcome.

So without further ado, I ask…

Step One: How Is The World Ending?

No one really knows, my dear friend, just quite how it all will end. So let’s find out! Look at a digital clock, and take note of whether the hour and minute numbers are even or odd at this exact moment.

• Even:Even = Zombie Apocalypse
  (Maybe it was a cancer cure gone wrong. Maybe it was a disease maliciously spread. All you know for certain is that mindless, walking dead now walk the earth, and they hunger for your brain.)
  .
• Even:Odd = Alien Invasion
  (They said they came in peace. They lied. Earth was ravaged by this blood-thirsty, dominating species of extra-terrestrial beasts, and they won’t rest until all humans are exterminated.)
  .
• Odd:Even = Nuclear Warfare
  (War is a complicated thing. One country sends a nuke at another, and suddenly explosions are rife all over the world. Foolishly, humanity is headed for its own demise.)
  .
• Odd:Odd = Natural Disasters
  (Erupting volcanoes, devastating earthquakes and annihilating tidal waves have combined in a horrific scene. Mother Earth has turned on humanity, and few have survived the onslaught.)

Step Two: Who Is Your Partner?

Lucky you! You found a fellow survivor in the devastation and the two of you have teamed up. Use the date of your birth (that is, the day of the month on which you were born) to identify your End-of-the-World-Partner.

1. Captain Hook (from Peter Pan)
2. Harry Potter (from Harry Potter)
3. Bowser (from Super Mario Land)
4. Katniss Everdeen (from The Hunger Games)
5. Edward Cullen (from Twilight)
6. The Great Eagle (from Lord of the Rings)
7. Hermione Granger (from Harry Potter)
8. Christian Grey (from Fifty Shades of Grey)
9. The Slender Man (from Slender)
10. Lady Havisham (from Great Expectations)
11. Iago (from Othello)
12. Isabella Swan (from Twilight)
13. Lord Voldemort (from Harry Potter)
14. The Doctor (from Doctor Who)
15. Loki Laufeyson (from Thor)
16. The Mad Hatter (from Alice in Wonderland)
17. Elizabeth Bennet (from Pride and Prejudice)
18. Albus Dumbledore (from Harry Potter)
19. Prince Hamlet (from Hamlet)
20. Toothless (from How To Train Your Dragon)
21. Sir Lancelot (from Arthurian Legend)
22. Gollum (from Lord of the Rings)
23. Inigo Montoya (from The Princess Bride)
24. Sherlock Holmes (from Sherlock Holmes)
25. Bellatrix Lestrange (from Harry Potter)
26. Thor Odinson (from Thor)
27. Bilbo Baggins (from Lord of the Rings)
28. Aslan (from The Chronicles of Narnia)
29. Romeo Montague (from Romeo and Juliet)
30. Gandalf (from Lord of the Rings)
31. Mr Darcy (from Pride and Prejudice)

Step Three: What Is The Outcome?

Do you and your partner overcome all the odds? Or do you crumble with the rest of humanity? Use your birth month to find out.

January:

It quickly becomes clear to you that your partner would prefer to go it alone. Your relationship becomes strained, until you awaken one morning to find yourself alone. You refuse to let this bring you down; you continue the good fight independently. Years later, as a hardened survivor, you hear word that your partner was killed mere weeks after they left. Guess they should have stuck with you…

February:

Your partner is open and friendly, immediately taking you under their wing during these horrific times. With them, you feel completely safe; however, you are concerned by their willingness to help other survivors. The two of you are often low on supplies due to your partner’s generosity. When you encounter a lone man in your travels, your partner offers their usual assistance. The man is suspicious of this kindness and blindly attacks. Your partner dies in your arms.

March:

The two of you fall quickly into a routine. Eat, sleep, travel and survive — neither of you care for much more. But perhaps you should’ve taken the time to learn more about your partner… Turns out, they resort to unorthodox methods of survival: namely, picking up lone survivors such as yourself, gaining their trust, then selling them to the highest bidder. Hope you enjoy your new life as a slave.

April:

Never allow anyone to get too close — that’s your motto, and you’re sticking to it. Nonetheless, you enjoy your partner’s companionship and are glad for their help in the midst of the devastation. However, over time, you come to realise that your partner’s feelings may not be entirely platonic. Love has no place in an Apocalypse and so, guiltily, you decide to go off on your own. You’re not sure what happened to your teammate, though you do often get the sensation of being followed…

May:

The end of the world is terrifying, and you have no clue what to do. When you team up with your partner, you rely heavily on them. Suppose it’s not surprising that they grew weary of your clingyness. They tell you they’re going to find food; they say they’ll be back soon. Six days later, you finally accept that they’re not coming back. Devastated at this betrayal, you stubbornly try to follow them, but wind up getting yourself killed. Maybe you should have paid more attention to survival techniques.

June:

It was a relationship of convenience, a means to an end, but as time went on, the two of you grew close. You are in tune with each other, and your friendship has become legendary amongst the few surviving groups that you’ve encountered. Who could have guessed that the years spent surviving an Apocalypse would be the happiest of your life? Together with your partner, you have faced, and will continue to overcome, any and all challenges presented to you. End of the world? Bring. It. ON.

July:

You first meet your partner as a starving figure, nearly dead. You come to their aid, and they begin to follow you. You pity them and try to tolerate their presence. But in truth, they are more of a hindrance than a help, and you suspect that they’ll be the end of you. You shake them off your tail and try to resume your solitary life, yet you are filled with remorse and decide to return for them… They’re nowhere to be found. You never hear from them again, and pray that they’re still alive.

August:

Sometimes it feels like you and your partner are alone in the world. Naturally, you feel a close connection, and so when you encounter another survivor – and when your partner seems to develop feelings for this survivor — you are understandable miffed. It was supposed to be the two of you against the world, but you suddenly feel like the third wheel. Feeling stubborn and hurt, you leave the two love-birds behind. You’re sure you won’t survive long… But you can’t bring yourself to care.

September:

Your partner’s survival skills leave something to be desired… But then, so do yours. You each flounder hopelessly through the barren land, trying to connect with other survivors, but ultimately always being abandoned. As a result of your mutual helplessness, the two of you bond, and agree never to leave the other behind. This is a promise kept till the end; your food runs out, no shelter can be found, and you quietly pass away. Your partner follows you not an hour later.

October:

Your partner is the embodiment of “strong and silent”, and you are never really sure what they’re thinking. However, they are a capable companion during these hard times, and you’re grateful for their presence, even if they aren’t for yours. However, it seems your partner was more fond of you than you realised. When the two of you are unexpectedly attacked, your partner pushes you behind them and savagely attacks. They are dealt a killing blow and die for your survival.

November:

When you first team up, your partner explains they’ve heard of a large survivors’ group being formed up North. It’s a long journey, but you agree to take the chance, and head off. Unfortunately, a few days into your travels, you tumble down a cliff-face and are greatly injured. Your partner refuses to leave you behind; they determinedly carry you the rest of the way. You do indeed find the Survivors’ Camp, but you pass away in your partner’s arms moments later.

December:

Though you are both initially hesitant to rely on anyone but yourselves, you soon break through each other’s defences, and a strong friendship is formed. You are thick as thieves, surviving aptly and travelling admist various groups. You never stay with other people for long though, as you prefer each other’s company. You enjoy several years of this strange contentment, but are then overwhelmed by an unexpected attack. United till the end, you and your partner fall together.

So, how do you fare when the world comes to an end? Share your tale in the comments!

And I hope you enjoyed this little journey. If you didn’t, well… This was a really poor use of my time, huh? Procrastination, you demon, release me from your ruthless claws!

- Love The Bad Guy

Dildo Lover Rat-Mom

Names are hard. Any writer knows this — and surely Tom Marvolo Riddle discovered it, too, as he worked to find the name that all would fear to speak.

You have to admire his creativity and persistence…

- Love The Bad Guy

Chillin’ With Villains

Good ‘morrow to thee, fair readers.

I was randomly cruising through YouTube the other day (because that it clearly a much better use of my time than completing my Italian composition, my current affairs feature article, my journalism essay or my report on the role of editing in contemporary publication…), when I stumbled upon a certain song:

Club Villain by Your Favorite Martian

Readers… How is it that I am only just now becoming aware of this song’s existence? Let’s face it — it’s practically this blog’s theme song.

Of course, I must share this godly tune with you all, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! Until next time, readers…

- Love The Bad Guy

“DAY 22: On Holiday”

Day 22 of the BlogFlash2012 Challenge, dear readers — thanks to those of you who have stuck around through the inundation of email notifications!

Well, let’s not beat around the bush: here’s today’s response.

Day 1′s response is here.

.: On Holiday :.

Ring-ring. Ring—click.

Hi, you’ve reached Jason Marshall. I’m not home right now, but leave a message after the beep, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Oh, and if this is Judith, don’t bother leaving a message, because I’ve gone on holiday with my money and my car, so that I can pick up the pieces of my life. And if this is about signing those bloody papers, you can damn well wait until I get back, at which point I will promptly shove them up your arse, you stupid, cold-hearted, worthless bi—

Beeeeep.

- Love The Bad Guy

“DAY 10: Success”

Day Ten, readers! One third of the way there — and time for me to panic a little, because writer’s block seems to be setting in. Crap.

Nonetheless, here’s today’s response for the BlogFlash2012 Challenge.

The beginning of the challenge is here.

* Success *

I’d often heard the saying that ‘behind every great man is an even greater woman’. Julie was my girlfriend when I started to climb the corporate ladder; she became my wife a week before my promotion—lo and behold, the ‘greater woman’ jokes started.

I often wonder if things would have been different if we’d married a week after my work success.

Ah well. I’m no fool—my boss is a great man, and never would have promoted me if it weren’t for Julie. She certainly had an interesting interpretation of the ‘behind’ part of that saying…

- Love The Bad Guy

Get Me To a Bank, Because I’m Emotionally Invested

Have you ever had somebody say to you,”Don’t name it, because then you’ll become attached to it“? Once something has a name, it seems to burrow into your heart, and you’re emotionally invested, for good or for bad.

Well, I am terrible with this.

I name everything. Everything. If I like something — if I have the teensiest, most insignificant ounce of affection for a thing — I have to christen it with a befitting title, because I feel like it deserves  a name.

The most troubling thing is this: usually, the “It” in question is an inanimate object.

My sister is baffled by this. “It’s one thing to name the stuff,” she said recently. “But the fact that you remember all of the names…” She trailed off at that point, probably to avoid bringing questions of my sanity into the discussion.

It’s true. If I care enough to name the thing, then I won’t ever forget that name.

There’s Val, my car, who, despite what you might assume, is a boy. It’s short for “Valium”, but I don’t call him by his full name unless he’s misbehaving or I really need his attention.

Then there’s Arnold, Ye Olde Red Phone Booth-style DVD cupboard. He’s a new addition to the household, and doesn’t technically belong to me, but I knew if I didn’t name him, no one would, and that seemed sad. So “Arnold” he became. We wanted to buy a blue “Police” version, which I intended to name Arthur, but they sold out. Poor Arnold must be lonely…

I received a Juke Box CD Player for my birthday (I know, right? How awesome is that?!), and promptly named him Bruno while I hugged him.

I am a sentimental soul, and so my room, in appearance, is akin to that of a five-year old, what with the copious amount of stuffed animals and such. Gaffa the dog, with her fur rubbed away in places. Ginger the cat, who neck is oddly shrunken after all the collars (i.e. hair bands) that I wrapped around her. And Oscer, my beloved bunny, whom I took I everywhere. And yes, that’s Oscer with an “e”. When I was young, I didn’t know how to spell it, and it hardly seemed appropriate to change it years later. It’s his name, after all.

My pencil is named Shorty (I have trouble gripping him because he is a little bit short).

My sister’s couch is named Jack (coincidently, that was the name of his brand).

My boyfriend’s car is named Nathaniel Julius Alexander Esquire the Seventh. I am not even kidding. That’s what I named him. I call him Nathaniel for short. Tinny calls him Seven. (Seinfeld fans will get it.)

But, speaking of Tinny’s car, we round back to my initial comment.

Name something, and you become attached to it.

You see, when I first started dating Tinny, he owned a different car. A large beast of a thing, it was painted a vivid, undeniable red. So I named him Blue. But here was my dilemma: I knew that Tinny was planning on selling that car. I knew it wouldn’t be around for much longer. And I still christened him with a name, which was very quickly picked up by Tinny himself.

Lo and behold, Blue was sold, and I felt much more depressed than a girl should probably feel when her boyfriend sells a vehicle.

But it wasn’t just a vehicle. It was Blue. Blue, who was there on our first date. Blue, who opened his skylight to the stars on those long, lazy drives to nowhere. Blue, who sported a fuzzy Chewbacca toy from his rear-view mirror, which went “RRRARGARRG HUU HAWAAAH HOOGHEE WAAGH RRARGH” when you squeezed it.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love Nathaniel Julius Alexander Esquire the Seventh. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have named him. His seats heat up, and Chewie looks quite fantastic in his new home. But the fact is, I did what you should never do.

I named it.

I became attached to it.

Alas, it is my eternal burden to bear, because I shan’t ever cease my actions. I will always christen those things that I care about, whether or not said things have a heartbeat. It is who I am.

My name is Jess. And I’m a Name-a-holic.

- Love The Bad Guy

I TOLD Them I Was Ill…

If you’ve floated around my blog for long enough, you’ve probably gathered that I have a rather twisted, and often dark, sense of humour.

So it should come as no surprise to you that we’ve rolled around to this morbid posting about last words.

Have you ever thought about what your last words would be? Sure, sometimes there’s no oppurtunity; Death is an unkind and unpredictable master, who may strike when you least expect it. But if you found yourself quietly drifting away with seconds to spare, would you have the right words in mind to leave the world with?

Perhaps something sentimental — “I love you” and all that jazz — or important — “Don’t forget to feed the cat” — or soothing — “You’ll all be okay”.

These are all fine. But, perhaps… dull.

No, when I leave this world, I’d like to leave ‘em wondering, or laughing. Or perhaps just confuse the heck out of them.

I’m not the first to have thought this, clearly. After all, there are some brilliant examples of outside-the-box Last Words, intended and otherwise, several of which I’ve gathered below for your reading pleasure. Granted, we don’t know how many of these are genuine — but don’t you want to wish they were?

“I told them I was ill.” – Spike Milligan

“How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French fries’!” - James French (convicted killer, executed in electric chair)

“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” ..OR.. “Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.” - Oscar Wilde

“I think you’re right, Wyatt. I can’t see a Goddamn thing.” - Morgan Earp (spoken to his brother, who had never believed in life after death)

“Don’t worry. It’s not loaded.” - Terry Kath (killed moments later, when he demonstrated that the gun he was cleaning had no bullets. It did.)

“I can’t sleep.” - James M. Barrie (author of Peter Pan)

“Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.” - John Barrymore

“I’m bored with it all.” - Winston Churchill

“I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” - Richard Feynman

“This is no time to make new enemies.” - Voltaire (in response to a Priest asked him to renounce Satan)

So, how about it, readers? Have you any ideas for what your final words could be? Or do you know some other famous ones that inspire you?

As for me, I wouldn’t complain about kicking off with some classics. Like, “I forgive you…”, or “Listen! There’s something I need you to dig up. There’s a box under the…”, or “I hope no one finds those bodies.”

How about a dramatic glare into nothingness, with “So. It has come to this. I should’ve known it’d be you…”

Or a pathetically optimistic, “You know what? I actually don’t feel that ba–”

The possibilities are endless! It’d be a right shame if I died without the chance to say at least one of these. Perhaps I’ll just rattle them off in every life-threatening situation. Just in case.

And if I miss out, there’s always the tombstone. Maybe I’ll have mine read:

HERE LIES JESS

LOVED THE BAD GUY

Short. Sweet. Simple.

Awesome.

– Love The Bad Guy

And THIS Is Why They Need Hugs…

I guess life isn’t easy for any bad guy, whether they’re in books, films or video games.

Poor guys…

- Love The Bad Guy

Video from Fat Awesome

“The Game of Life (and Death)”

Hi all. Here’s my second posting for this week’s Inspiration Monday, this time using the prompt rock, paper, scissors, death. I experiemented a little and wound up with a dialogue-only story. Let me know what you think.

“Ohh, God… What happened? Where am I?”

“Limbo.”

“What? Who…? But I—”

“You’re in a coma, mate. Lingering between Life and Death, as it were.”

“And you are…?”

“Death, obviously. Here to collect.”

“B-but… You said I’m not dead. You can’t take me!”

“Trust me, mate, I’m doing you a favour. You don’t want to stay stuck in Limbo. It’s better to come with me now. It won’t even hurt. A single touch is all it takes. A handshake; a hug, if you want one. And you’ll just sort of…. Drift away.”

“But I want to live!”

“Look. I am tired. I am cranky. I just want to do my job, and go home. Kay?”

“No! No, that’s not okay! There must be something I can do to make you leave me alone.”

“Well…”

“Yes?”

“We could play a game.”

“…A game?”

“Yup.  Rock, Paper, Scissors.”

“Are you serious?”

“Quite.”

“So if I win…”

“I shan’t take your soul. Happy?”

“Yes!”

“Okay then. Ready? … Rock, Paper, Scissors, GO!”

“Oh, jeez…”

“A tie! Bet that gets the ol’ heart pumping! Round two? … Rock, Paper, Scissors, Go! … Oh, darn.”

“Yes! Yes! I won! I freaking won!”

“Ha. Well, congratulations, I guess.”

“I never win anything! But I just won my life. This is fantastic!”

“Amazing.”

“Brilliant!”

“Superb! High five, mate!”

Slap.

…

“Gets ‘em every time…”

- Love The Bad Guy