Well, I may have allowed several months to pass by without a single blog post, but let it never be said that I haven’t been doing important things. I have been very busy…

…making a Mary Poppins umbrella and learning how to say “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” backwards.

So a merry “docious-ali-expi-istic-fragil-cali-rupus” to you all.

– Love The Bad Guy

Parrot stares into your soul.


“I Suck”

I Suck

a poem by me

I stared at the date,
As pale as a ghost.
Had six weeks gone by
Since I wrote my last post?

I denied it most strongly
And to my inbox I fled.
“You have,” it declared,
“304 emails unread.”

Thus it was at this time
A realisation was struck.
I threw up my hands
And said, “Well, fuck, I suck.”

I suck like a vacuum—
I suck even more.
I suck like a cheap-ass
two-dollar street whore.

Sure, I tweet and I tumble
And do Facebooky things.
But they don’t truly excuse
My most rotten of sins.

It was here that I started
To blog and to share
My writing and ramblings
To any who care.

I have no large following;
So few who await me.
But I’ve let down myself
So often and greatly.

I’ve not worked on my novel
In over a year.
And any short stories
Are dull and unclear.

I’m struggling with life
And everything in it.
I’m not sure where to turn;
I’m close to my limit.

It’s live V. survive
As I strive for results.
But most days I think,
“I’m too dumb to adult!”

I know I should rely
On my strength and not luck…
But instead I wrote a poem
About how much I suck.

So I’ll try to keep going.
I’ll fight for my smile.
But a real post on Bad Guy
Might yet be a while.

– Love The Bad Guy

Tealin’s Talent

Anyone who is even minimally familiar with my blog will recognise this image:

VoldemortIt’s… it’s just the bees knees. It is referencing the quote by Professor Flitwick in Prisoner of Azkaban in which he says, “As long as the Secret-Keeper refused to speak, You-Know-Who could search the village where Lily and James were staying for years and never find them, not even if he had his nose pressed against their sitting-room window!”

Besides being hilarious, it’s just such a cute little pic, which was drawn by the very talented Tealin. She updates a blog that you can see here, but years ago she drew a series of marvellous Harry Potter pictures, all of which can be found here.

I think it’s way past time that I glorified her talent with a dedicated post. Please enjoy some of my favourites of her work:

Tom Riddle being bad-ass.
I love the layering of this one.
The Grim watches the game.
Dumbledore, you sly bastard. ily
Because of reasons.
Hermione's go-to response.
Adorable deadly werewolf.
This is one of those things that you didn't know you needed until it exists.
He's just so freaking happy!

– Love The Bad Guy

The Woes of a First-Time Home Leaver: Part IV – A Non-Exhaustive List

  1. I have blisters on my hands from… doing things. Like running the household. And building cheap furniture.
  2. Thinking of how to feed myself every single day is exhausting.
  3. How many times can I have tea and toast for dinner before people start judging me?
  4. My four-slice toaster with its “A little bit more” button is now my prized possession, and isn’t that just a little bit sad.
  5. I am terrible at adhering to a strict bedtime.
  6. My money seems to be mysteriously disappearing from my account. How very odd…
  8. Finishing work and returning to a dark, empty, silent house is rather lonely.
  9. There’s a creepy-ass spider that I can see on my living room window. He’s on the outside, thank god, but still terrifying. In an attempt to align myself to his presence, I have decided to name him. He is called Marteen. That’s “Mar-teen”, like “martini” without the final “-ee”. It was originally “Martin”, but I decided to class it up a bit because I am very tired. (See point 5.)
  10. I still have boxes everywhere. Everywhere. Why do I own so much shit?
  11. Maybe I have a hoarding problem.
  12. But then at work, I have obsessive tendencies that lend themselves well to the task of tidying the drawers and under-counter spaces that haven’t seen the light of day in three years. If I could use that superpower in the task of unpacking, that’d be greeeeaaaat.
  13. Getting mail is much less exciting when it’s always bills.
  14. I’ve never used a gas oven before. Am I… am I going to get high? I’m probably going to get high.
  15. I thought I was so prepared, but as time goes on, I start noticing all the little things that I forgot to buy in preparation for moving out. Like an ironing board. The weird thing is, I remembered to get an iron.
  16. I miss hearing my Mum snore at night. And that’s something I never thought I’d say.
  17. Martine has just skulked back into view while I write this and now I am very distracted.
  18. “I should go to bed now but instead I’m going to stay on the computer for another four hours”. An autobiography.

– Love The Bad Guy

Wow, remember when I used to write hover text? Good times...

In One Year and Out The Other

Happy New Year, everybody!

I’m going to be honest — 2014 wasn’t the greatest year for me. I’ve been unhappy with certain things in my life for a while, and have struggled with my self-identity. I won’t bore you with the details. But one of my greatest regrets is how much those Real Life dramas have dragged me away from LTBG. This blog means a lot to me; I love seeing it grow and expand. Over the last year, its progress has become very stagnant, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I hope to be more active on the ol’ blog soon, but until then, there are plenty of ways to keep in touch.

  •      I frequently share posts on the LTBG Facebook page.
  •      I tweet lots of bite-sized stories and poems on my Twitter account.
  •      And I recently joined the Tumblr bandwagon — come and join me!

I want to do better. I want to be better. I hope that 2015 will be a wonderful year for us all. Best wishes, readers! And see you soon.

– Love The Bad Guy